Advice Girl

"Well here's what I've been debating with myself for the past couple of weeks:

This girl and I briefly were seeing each other last summer. We hung out at least once a week at the end of May through the middle of August last summer. When mid august came around she decided that she was not ready for a relationship so we decided to remain friends. We still hung out, probably about once a month August through November, but still kept in touch on a weekly basis through e-mail. She even hung out with my friends and I in October.

The holidays rolled around, so we really couldn't hang out. We tried to get together a couple of times, but things didn't work out. One day at the end of February I sent her a text and asked if she wanted to hang out and catch up. I usually get a response back, so i figured it may have not gone through. So i sent her an e-mail asking if she had received it. She replied back a couple of days later and said that she did and was just really busy with work and other things.

However out of the blue in the e-mail she also said "I don't want to be anything more than friends" and ended the e-mail by saying that she was going to hang out downtown in a couple of weeks and that i could join her and her friends of i wanted to. This really confused me since we already had this conversation back in August, so i replied back and told her that I wasn't looking for anything more than friends and i am sorry if i came off that way.

She than responded back: "now that I am confident that we're friends, we should catch up, i didn't want to lead you on by texting you back or hanging out with you, we should catch up" I responded by telling her i didn't think that she was leading me on, and that the next time there's an issue that she should call me so we can talk it out. I haven't received a response since and this was at the end of February.

Now she did come off as a little vain, which surprised me. She's actually a really sweet girl. The debate I've been having is whether or not to shoot her an e-mail and invite her to grab food, so we can talk or should i just consider this a loss and move on? If i should e-mail, what should i say?

Thanks"

Perhaps you did come off a little pushy, or at least she got that impression. It’s apparent that she wants nothing more than friendship with you, and maybe she didn’t believe you entirely when you said you agree with being just friends. It really depends on your true feelings for her, because when you are attracted to a girl, you’re giving off a sort of a vibe. If a girl picks up on it and doesn’t respond in a positive way, she often tries to avoid you, using all sorts of excuses.

Now you didn’t really tell me how you feel about her, but it’s obvious that you want to spend more time with her for one reason or another. It also seems that you’re always the one who initiates most of the contact, so she must be on the avoidy side if she’s rarely the one who tries to start anything with you. Something must sit unwell in your relationship, because you are definitely not on the same page.

She tells you that you’re okay and can be friends, yet repeatedly avoids answering your letters. At the same time, you're trying to get in touch with her, even though it’s obvious that she wants to hang out with you only on occasion or just to “catch up”.

Perhaps some big misunderstanding is the reason for you guys not being able to sort your issues out. ‘Cause, trust me, if one of you is clueless as to why your relationship is the way it is (strange or confusing), misunderstanding must be involved, on one or both sides.

Maybe, when you offered her to call you and have a serious talk every time there’s an issue, it struck her as something too serious; maybe she doesn’t believe you when you tell her you want to be just friends; or maybe she’s got a boyfriend now, and he’s not happy with you two being chummy and going out somewhere. In any case, you are clueless as to why she cut the communication chord, and whether you want to go there and find out is up to you.

If you still care about her (which you obviously do), you might consider contacting her either by email (but there’s a risk of it going unanswered), or with a phone call. Either way, try to keep it light. You could tell her that you just realized that it’s been quite a while since you were in touch, and since she didn’t answer your last email, you were wondering if everything’s all right.

If you want to invite her to go out with you somewhere, you better pick a place with an atmosphere that you know she finds comfortable. If you have any common friends, you could ask if she’d like to join you all to go somewhere.

Or you could do a small test.

Ask her if she’d like to go with you somewhere to grab some food, or would rather hang out in a mixed company (just please, use other wording) with people you both know and like. If she says that she’d prefer to go out when there’s a small crowd around you two, I think it would be a strong indication that she is not entirely comfortable with you.

In any case, good luck.

- Lyssa